I didn't even know it would be the last time, which is probably a good thing because I am a sappy mess about "last times". It's bittersweet, but mostly it feels just bitter right now. I worked hard to make nursing work. I survived the early weeks when both of us ended up in tears trying to get you to figure it out. I survived the 2 weeks of exclusive pumping as we tested out an elemental formula in hopes of helping your tummy. I survived building back up my supply and getting you nursing again after our 2 week elemental trial. I survived your thrashing around, fussy nursing during month 3. And I have persevered through this month of random eating and screaming.
But now...now, I am surrendering. I know you're not screaming at me, but it's heartbreaking when you get so worked up while you're trying to eat, as if I'm feeding you acid or nails. I know you're just hurting. I hate it for you. We're trying to figure it out and make it better.
We almost made it 6 months. Which I'm really proud of. It's 3 months longer than I ever thought I'd make it. It seems too short now though.
I will miss all of these things about nursing you:
- The way your sweet little eyes look up at me.
- The way you used to cover your eyes like a puppy when you were tiny, tiny.
- The way you would hold my shirt or my finger.
- The way your eyes would roll back in your head when you were relaxed.
- Middle of the night feedings. Weird that I will miss these, but they were the only consistently great feeding you had. You would be so relaxed and sweet, and I enjoyed rocking you and smelling that sweet baby smell you have.
- The way you would pop off and grin at me.
- The screaming and thrashing around at certain feedings.
- Pumping.
- Pumping.
- Pumping.
- Nursing bras.
- Looking like I have a uniboob in nursing tanks.
Sis sweetheart you did amazing, I can't say I would have stuck it out as you did. You did all in your power and beyond, please be proud!!! I love you and know times are difficult right now for you and your little man. I pray some questions are answered very soon. Keep you chin up, you're one wonderful mother and sister!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh Min, I remember the last time I nursed Jaxon too. I just couldn't keep up. He was lactose intolerant and would spit up almost everything he ate. I couldn't eat anything with Milk or milk product. I was pumping all the time... oh it goes on! BUT the precious time I did have was, like your time w/ Bo... SO worth it!
ReplyDeleteHang in there - love you!
Mindi---you did AWESOME!!! ALmost 6 months!! That is somthing to be proud of--I didnt last a month with Blazer!!!
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