Dear Kate, On the day you were born...

I had had contractions several times that week and timed them, only to have them stop.  I was having contractions on Saturday and decided I'd rest while Daddy took Big Brother to the pool.  At the last minute, I decided to go with them.  I'm so glad I did.

I read by the pool while Daddy and Brother played.  I was reading The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan.  Brother and I shared a mango snow cone at the pool.

I wasn't feeling great when we got home.  Daddy handled bath time and put Bo to bed.  I timed contractions and contemplated going to the hospital.  I "slept" in the recliner and timed them most of the night.  When they were 10 minutes apart for 2 hours, we called our standby to watch Bo, and I called the doctor.  It was about 4:30-5am.

We got to the hospital, and I took a picture of my belly for what I imagined would be the last time.

We waited until we met with the doctor to call grandparents.  We finally met with him around 7:30am.  I wasn't far enough along to take you without an amniocentesis.  So they gave us the option of doing an  amnio, waiting in the hospital for me to progress, or going home and waiting it out.  After much thought, we decided to do the amnio.  I know that decision was a God thing, as when you were born the cord was wrapped twice around your little neck.  I shudder to think what would have happened if we'd have gone home to wait it out.

The amnio wasn't all that bad.  I just closed my eyes and prayed.  Mimi and Pop made their way to the hospital.  They've been at the hospital when all 11 grandkids were born and didn't want to miss the caboose's arrival.  We got the results that the amnio said your lungs were developed, and the doctors sprung into action.  Things were slowed down by my allergies to anesthesia, but eventually they took me back for the c-section.

Brother's delivery did not go well so I was scared to death.  Mercifully, the nurse anesthetist was a guy we knew from church which put me at ease.  Daddy and the NA talked to me and distracted me.  I remember hearing Dr. Londa saying you were big and Dr. Robert saying the cord was wrapped twice.  I was so worried when I heard that, but the NA kept saying you were great.  I eventually heard you cry, and they showed you to me before taking you to clean you off and have you evaluated.  I thought you were big and looked like Bo.  Daddy kept saying you looked like Bo.

When they finished with me, I was put in the holding room and Daddy brought you to me.  You nursed so well!  I couldn't believe we were having such a "normal" experience after Bo's delivery and aftermath.  I looked you all over.  I couldn't believe you didn't have more hair, that you were such a good size, and I loved your full little mouth!

I went to the room, and Mimi and Pop brought Bo to meet you.  He came in shyly then climbed up to peer in the bassinet.  It was so sweet!  We gave him a gift from you (a Bruder truck), and he was obsessed with it the whole time I was in the hospital.  I was having trouble with pain control most of that night so I don't remember the day as well as I wish I did, but I do remember two thoughts running through my mind constantly...I have a daughter.  And she's beautiful and healthy.

Katherine "Kate" Morgan Zanowiak

July 22, 2012

12:20pm

8 lbs. 2 oz.

19.75 inches

Dear Bo, Before pink descends upon us, I want you to know...

...that I have loved, loved, loved mothering all blue.

There are some women who know from the start that they want to be mommas.  And while I enjoyed the heck out of playing me some baby dolls with Aunt Lori growing up, "Momma" wasn't on my must-do-before-I-die-list.  There are some women who dream about mothering a little girl.  Me?  Not so much.  I always imagined that if I did have children, I would have a house full of little boys.  So when they told me you were a boy, I thought, "well, of course he is.  I was meant to mother sons."

I loved working on a blue nursery and have loved working on your toddler room.  Some people say it's no fun to shop for a boy, but I would have to disagree.  Soft blue puppy dog gowns and monogrammed jon jons still melt my heart.  I went to a baby shower on Saturday for a little boy and felt a literal weight on my chest that I will not mother another infant son.

One reason I wanted to mother a son was because I don't know anything about little boys so it would be easy for me to have no expectations.  That has certainly been true.  Everything you do is a wonder to me.  Every little boy on earth may have an equal opportunity obsession with vehicles, but you are the only one I mother, and I think it's the best thing ever to watch my little man child push his vehicles around the floor making the appropriate vehicle noise, to shout the color and type of every vehicle on the road on a car ride, to use his super sonic hearing to notice every airplane, helicopter, motorcycle, ambulance, or fire truck  within hearing distance.  You are all boy.  And I couldn't be happier about that.

That said, you are such a loving, affectionate boy.  When we aren't in the room with you, you are currently in the habit of saying, "Momma?  Daddy?  Where are you?"  When we tell you where we are, you run to us and hug our legs, yelling, "Hi, Momma.  Hi, Daddy"  As if you hadn't seen us just 5 minutes prior. 

If we're sitting down, you prefer to be in our laps.  You climb right up and make yourself comfortable, no matter what else we may be doing (reading, working on the computer, etc.).  It's your territory, and you're not afraid to lay claim to it.

You love to climb in bed with us when you get up in the morning. You also like us to lay in bed with you when you go down for a nap and go down at night.  We try not to do that too often, but you've been sick lately, and I've been more aware that my time will soon be divided so I've taken advantage of lots of snuggling and naps together.  I often fall asleep before you do.  There is nothing sweeter than feeling your heavy breath in my face and your sweet lips giving me kisses before you doze off.   You have plenty of energy and independence, too, but generally, you are such a sweet, happy boy.

I love that I know all the characters in Cars and all the train names from Thomas.  And that when I am driving, I speed up or slow down so you can get a closer look at a motorcycle or "big truck".  I love that I often have to pry a train or truck out of your chubby little hands once you've fallen asleep.  And that in the mornings, I hear the pitter patter of your feet in the hall as well as some toy cars or trains clanking together.  I even love that I often hear, "Momma, I tootin'" followed by a giggle.  And you in big boy undies?  Be still my heart.  I can hardly bare it!

Getting pregnant with a bicornuate uterus isn't the simplest thing in the world.  But one thing I felt confident in was that if we weren't able to get pregnant (unassisted) with a second child, it would be okay.  Because you are enough.  Far more than I imagined and definitely more than I deserved.

I'm so excited to give you a little sister soon.  You are such a people person that I know you will love having a playmate to share life with.  I pray you will be best buddies, that you will be protective of one another, that you will admire one another, and that you will love "doing life" together, and that that will endure long after we are gone. 

But before pink descends on our little house, I want you to know that mothering a son has been more than I knew to ask for.  You are the real deal, and being your Momma has filled my cup to the brim. 

Love you, sweet boy!