Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Dear Bo, This phase is over for us...

Thursday, May 6th at 3pm is the last time I nursed you.

I didn't even know it would be the last time, which is probably a good thing because I am a sappy mess about "last times".  It's bittersweet, but mostly it feels just bitter right now.  I worked hard to make nursing work.  I survived the early weeks when both of us ended up in tears trying to get you to figure it out.  I survived the 2 weeks of exclusive pumping as we tested out an elemental formula in hopes of helping your tummy.  I survived building back up my supply and getting you nursing again after our 2 week elemental trial.  I survived your thrashing around, fussy nursing during month 3.  And I have persevered through this month of random eating and screaming.

But now...now, I am surrendering.  I know you're not screaming at me, but it's heartbreaking when you get so worked up while you're trying to eat, as if I'm feeding you acid or nails.  I know you're just hurting.  I hate it for you.  We're trying to figure it out and make it better.

We almost made it 6 months.  Which I'm really proud of.  It's 3 months longer than I ever thought I'd make it.  It seems too short now though.

I will miss all of these things about nursing you:
  • The way your sweet little eyes look up at me.
  • The way you used to cover your eyes like a puppy when you were tiny, tiny.
  • The way you would hold my shirt or my finger.  
  • The way your eyes would roll back in your head when you were relaxed.
  • Middle of the night feedings.  Weird that I will miss these, but they were the only consistently great feeding you had.  You would be so relaxed and sweet, and I enjoyed rocking you and smelling that sweet baby smell you have.
  • The way you would pop off and grin at me.
But these, these things I will not miss:
  • The screaming and thrashing around at certain feedings.
  • Pumping.
  • Pumping.
  • Pumping.
  • Nursing bras.
  • Looking like I have a uniboob in nursing tanks.
I love you, little one.  You were worth all the heartache of figuring out this nursing madness.



  1. Sis sweetheart you did amazing, I can't say I would have stuck it out as you did. You did all in your power and beyond, please be proud!!! I love you and know times are difficult right now for you and your little man. I pray some questions are answered very soon. Keep you chin up, you're one wonderful mother and sister!!!!

  2. Oh Min, I remember the last time I nursed Jaxon too. I just couldn't keep up. He was lactose intolerant and would spit up almost everything he ate. I couldn't eat anything with Milk or milk product. I was pumping all the time... oh it goes on! BUT the precious time I did have was, like your time w/ Bo... SO worth it!
    Hang in there - love you!

  3. Mindi---you did AWESOME!!! ALmost 6 months!! That is somthing to be proud of--I didnt last a month with Blazer!!!