Dear Baby, Momma's not having a good week...

8 weeks

It hasn’t been a good week. I’ve been distracted since Wednesday. Just wondering what the “mass” or “growth” is. Wondering if you’ll still be there next week.

The appointment with the specialist is next Thursday. I hope we’ll know something then. I’m torn between wanting to know for certain what it is, and sticking my head in the sand and pretending all is well.

After we found out about you, I was anxiously awaiting our first appointment next week so we could hear your heartbeat, see you, and then tell our families about you. Now that has been replaced with an appointment with a specialist where we might find out “who-knows-what”. A little anti-climactic, I’d say.

I try not to worry, but frankly I’ve worried over much less so it seems an impossibility not to worry now. On the one hand I believe what’s going on and what will happen has already been determined and there’s nothing I can do about it, but on the other hand, I want to believe it can change.

Here’s what you were up to this week:

Everything that is present in an adult human is now present in you. The ears are continuing to form externally and internally. The bones are beginning to form, and the muscles can contract. Fingers and toes are webbed but are growing longer.

The facial features continue to mature. The tip of the nose is present and the eyelids are now more developed. The embryonic tail is also disappearing, and your body is beginning to straighten out.

While your gender has already been determined, the external genitals are still forming and cannot be clearly seen. The embryo is at the end of the embryonic period and begins the fetal period now.

You are a little over an inch long and are approximately the size of a bean.

These were my prayers for you this week:

That you will hang in there and continue to have a strong heartbeat no matter how big this “mass” gets. That the mass will go away, or at the very least, stay out of your way so you can continue to grow and develop. A couple of shallow ones—that you get your daddy’s muscle tone and your momma’s long fingers to play an instrument with!

Love,

Momma

Dear Baby, I'm worried about you...

Well, it doesn’t sound good. And it’s not just me being a pessimist this time; Daddy’s not too optimistic either. And since the doctor said he’s “never seen anything like this”, I’m guessing he’s not feeling so great about it.

We saw you again today; the doctor wanted to make sure the “growth” was gone so we had another ultrasound. It wasn’t…and it has grown. He thinks it might be a “placental lobe” or a tumor. Neither sound too good for either of us. I’m going to see a specialist in the next couple of weeks to narrow down what it is and what we can do about it.

The good news is that you looked great! You were head down, and your heartbeat was strong…160bpm.

You hang in there. I’ll see you next week.

Love,

Momma

Dear Baby, It's been 7 weeks...

7 weeks

I went to your maternal grandparents’ house last weekend, and I managed to keep you “our little secret”. Your uncle and aunt are due December 27, and I want to make sure your new cousin gets to enjoy the limelight before sharing it with you! I’m so glad you’ll have a cousin so close in age! I know you will have lots of fun together!

We’re going to Edmond this weekend to see some baseball games and visit with Daddy’s aunt and cousins. I can’t wait until you can play in Aunt Donna’s “park”! You will love it. We’re not going to tell them about you just yet, but I know they’ll be excited when they hear you’re on the way.

Here’s what you were up to this week:

At this point every essential organ has begun to form in your tiny body. The hair and nipple follicles are forming, and the eyelids and tongue have begun formation. The elbows and toes are more visible as the trunk begins to straighten out.

You are approximately an inch long by the end of this week and weigh less than an aspirin.

These were my prayers for you this week:

That I give you the nourishment you need, and that all of your organs continue to develop normally. That God would grant me the discipline to pray for you daily.

Love,

Momma

Dear Baby, You scared me AGAIN...

I got a call from the doctor this morning, and he said he looked at your picture and saw some things he was concerned about. He said you looked fine, but there was another growth in my uterus that concerned him—that it was possibly a blood clot or a malformed placenta. He asked that I come in right away so he could take a look.

You’ll find out soon enough that your mom’s quite the pessimist. I immediately went to a bad place and just knew it was the worst news. Daddy and I went in, and the doctor put you up on the screen again. Your heart was beating strong (140bpm), and we heard it again. You looked great! And that “growth”…it was gone! He wants me to go back next week to take another picture just to make certain the “growth” is indeed gone. I hope you like your picture being taken because we get to see you a lot!

Your Aunt Jen and Aunt Collyn gave me some tubs of clothes for while you grow in me. I picked through them tonight, trying them on, washing them, and making a pile for the dry cleaners. I can’t imagine how big my body is going to get from the looks of some of those clothes! I even bought a few things for this “in between stage” I found on sale. I also went to the bookstore and found a book for Daddy called “Pregnancy Sucks (for Men)”. It’s a funny book about what to expect while you’re growing.

I feel like these first few weeks have been a roller coaster with the bleeding and the “growth” scare. I guess that’s what it will be like from here on out—the highs and lows of being responsible for a little nugget!

I’m glad you’re still here. Today was quite a scare.

Love,

Momma

Dear Baby, You're growing...

6 weeks

You’re still here! We had another sonogram today, and you measured right on track. Your heartbeat was strong—121 bpm! We heard it! We weren’t expecting to so when it came on, our eyes got big! We were all smiles!

After our appointment, we went to get lunch at Taco Villa. I had your sonogram picture in my wallet, and the cashier saw it and asked me if it was mine. I was startled and stammered a bit, as we aren’t telling anyone yet. Finally, I said “yes”. She congratulated me, and Daddy told her that she was the first person to know. We laughed because the first person who knew about you was a Taco Villa cashier!

When I got back to the office, I looked up the old wives’ tale about heartbeat range being a predictor for the gender of your baby. Supposedly, if it’s 140bpm or above, you’re a girl; and if it’s below 140 bpm, you’re a boy. I also looked to see what the Chinese calendar says (which predicts gender based on maternal age and month of conception), and it says you are a girl. Go figure! A 50/50 chance! I think you are a boy, and Daddy thinks you are a girl. We don’t care what you are; we just hope you are healthy. And if you are not healthy, we hope we are molded into exactly the parents who can best care for you.

Our best friends came to town tonight. We decided we would tell them, as we won’t see them again for awhile, and we really wanted to tell them in person. We always joke about how we haven’t made any great friends since they moved. We told them that we finally made a new friend, as in we-literally-had-to-“make”-a-new-friend and showed them your picture! They were excited for us, and we talked about you a lot throughout the evening.

Here’s what you were up to this week:

The formations of the lungs, jaw, nose, and palate have begun. The hand and feet buds have webbed-like structures that will become the fingers and toes. The brain is continuing to form into its complex parts.

Your baby is about ¾ of an inch in length.

These were my prayers for you this week:

That I eat well and exercise to nourish you the best I can. That your brain develops correctly, and that you use it to make thoughtful decisions. That you have 2 arms to play ball and hug my neck with and 2 legs which you can use to run and walk your own path, and that I would be the type of parent who allows you to discover your natural talents and help them blossom.

Love,

Momma

Dear Baby, You scared me...

We went to your Zanowiak grandparents’ house over the weekend, but we decided not to tell anyone until we went to our doctor’s appointment June 2nd. It’s special being “our little secret”. I started cramping and bleeding pretty badly on Saturday night, and I was sure I was miscarrying you. Even though I’m a natural pessimist and have been convinced this would happen, I was sad. Daddy said a prayer for you and me, and I resigned myself to miscarrying. We got home yesterday and there was more bleeding and cramping. I took a bath, cried, said “thank you” to God for taking care of whatever needed to be taken care of by allowing a miscarriage, then decided to just try again in a couple of months.

I called the doctor this morning and told them, and they told me to come in right away for an internal sonogram. Daddy came, too. Before we went in the room, we were both a little nauseous and nervous. We couldn’t decide if it was because we thought you were still there or weren’t still there—both options are a little scary.

They told us it was too early to see a heartbeat--that they were just looking for a gestational sac. You must already be an overachiever because there you were, and we even saw your heartbeat! Shocked to see you would be an understatement…I already mourned you last night!

I have to rest at night after work this week until they can measure your growth on Friday. I’m so glad you’re still here.

Love,

Momma

Dear Baby, You're here...

5 weeks

Umm…evidently you’re in there! I have taken several tests in months past and only seen a negative so I was reluctant to take one. Technically, I should have taken one May 2nd, but I decided to wait it out. I didn’t want to be disappointed by a negative again.

I got home late from a friend’s house last night and took the test on a whim. The box said to take it in the morning, but I decided I would take it that night and retest in the morning. I bought a “fool proof” one that said “pregnant” or “not pregnant” so I didn’t have to mess with interpreting a “dark line” or “one line” or “two lines”. You were supposed to wait something like 3 minutes, but by the time I finished washing my hands, there it was! I had been imagining some neat way to tell Daddy when I finally got a positive, but all that went out the window. He was in bed, and I busted through the door and said, “Come in here!”. He immediately said, “You’re pregnant.” Yep. We celebrated and said a prayer for you.

I called the doctor and scheduled an appointment for June 2nd. They said we’ll do a sonogram that day and hear your heartbeat. You’re scheduled to arrive January 8th, 2010…a Capricorn like me!

I looked up what’s going on with you, and here’s what you were up to this week (taken from here):

You look more like a tadpole than a baby at this point. Your heart is beating at a steady rhythm, and the structures that will become the eyes and ears are forming. Your skeleton is also beginning to form.

You are still very small, measuring 0.118 inches long.

These were my prayers for you this week:

That nothing I did before I knew about you may have harmed you (forgive me for the sushi and hot tubbing while we vacationed!), that your heart, eyes, ears, and skeleton develop as they should. That you have a compassionate heart for other people, that your eyes will have perfect sight, and your ears perfect hearing. But that if you cannot see or hear, your other senses will be heightened to compensate and that I would be the mom best suited to teach you to live well and be thankful for those senses you do have.

Love,

Momma